Are you worried you might be headlining the next episode of Snapped? 😡
Or maybe you totally relate to your favorite reality TV star’s daily sobbing confessionals over her driver being stuck in traffic when she’s already late for this week’s spa day?
(well, maybe for you it’s over your kid needing to change her socks for the third time 🤯 when you’re trying to get out the door – does she not understand you have a very important email to write?!)
Dealing with high emotional intensity or reactivity can feel like you’re constantly riding a rollercoaster.
Even the smallest hiccup triggers a whirlwind of anger or tears. Suddenly, you’re snapping at coworkers over spilled coffee or shedding a tear over a misplaced stapler. 😭
And let’s not forget the aftermath—strained relationships, a gloomy vibe at work, and the constant feeling like you’re trapped in a stress-induced fog.
When your emotions are in turmoil, concentrating also feels about as easy as herding cats. Mistakes start piling up faster than dirty laundry, deadlines get missed, and your to-do list resembles a game of “Where’s Waldo?”—minus the fun. It’s like a never-ending cycle of stress and frustration.
The constant pressure you’re under to keep up while managing overwhelming emotions can feel completely exhausting.
Your emotional rollercoaster doesn’t just stop at the office door—it follows you home like a stray puppy (but, waaay less cute). Suddenly, you’re ping-ponging between yelling and shutting down, leaving your kids confused and unsettled. Cue the mom guilt, the shame spiral, and the overwhelming feeling of not being good enough.
Hey, I get it. 🙋♀️ Been there.
I just wanted to get through breakfast without snapping at my kids or my husband. And if I didn’t, then I was carrying supreme guilt around with me all day, like a weight on my heart. 💔
The problem was I had a narrow Window of Tolerance.
Think of your Window of Tolerance as your personal zone of calm – where you can handle life’s ups and downs without feeling overwhelmed. When you’re inside this window, you’re cool, collected, and able to respond to stress in a healthy way.
But when something triggers you, pushing you outside this window, you might either go into overdrive (think: anxiety, anger, snapping at people) or shut down completely (like feeling numb or checked out).
For many of us, this window is so narrow that even the smallest of daily challenges puts us outside the “everything’s chill, I got this” range.
But never fear, I can tell you from the other side, it gets waaaayyy better. 🎉
The goal is to widen this window so you can stay within it more often, even when life throws curveballs. It’s all about helping you stay in that sweet spot where you feel balanced and in control.
You might be thinking, yeah that’s great, but how do I widen my window? If so, you’re in the right place.
In this post, I’m going to cover:
✔️ Why you’re snapping or crying at even the smallest challenge – and specifics on what needs to change
✔️ Three simple but powerful strategies for making permanent changes to widen your Window of Tolerance – one that you can even try literally as you’re reading this…
✔️ Next steps for You – if you’re ready to feel calm, focused and thoughtfully responsive no matter what life throws at you.
Curious? Maybe more than a little skeptical? 🤔
I know, you’ve probably tried soooo many “hacks” and none of them have worked (maybe you’ve even heard of the Window of Tolerance before, but just knowing about it didn’t help – I mean, why would it? 🤷🏻♀️). This is different – a shift in perspective, a new and deeper way to look at your struggles – one that will create truly lasting calm.
First, I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but these struggles don’t define your worth or abilities – or even your “personality.” (In fact, the real YOU isn’t even being seen underneath all that emotional intensity. Wait until you get reacquainted with her – she’s amazing! 💃🏽)
Instead, your narrow Window of Tolerance – and resulting emotional reactivity – is a result of chronic unresolved stress, patterns set in place by childhood experiences – and reinforced over many decades – or even overt trauma.
So, here’s the truth…
The cause of your reactivity isn’t you but it IS inside of you.
Wait! 🖐🏽 This is good news…
Why?
Because it means you can do something about it (oooh, if you’re like me and love something you can control, all on your own – You’re going to rock this!).
It means you can STOP trying to change everything outside of yourself – a new job, a new house, new relationship, new haircut (ok, that might still be fun) – hoping and hoping each time that it will make you happier.
Ugh, that cycle is exhausting 😓 – and not even rewarding in the long run.
But you’re moving on from that neverending search – right NOW.
Your narrow Window of Tolerance is caused by a stuck nervous system. It’s stuck looking for – and “finding” – anything that might be “dangerous.”
Being constantly vigilant for signs of potential harm means your nervous system is easily triggered into a threatened state 😳, sending the signal that you are in fact in danger 😱, even if you may know – intellectually – that you’re safe. (I mean, you get that the spilled coffee is “not the end of the world” – but thanks, Bob, for pointing that out, very helpful…)
The problem is that the emotional, reactive center of your brain (limbic system) responds faster than your thinking, rational brain (cortex). (Brain-nerd break 🤓: This is actually a quite brilliant and necessary design – built to save you in the case of a true tiger-in-your-face or car-on-top-of-your-kid kind of situation. Thanks brain! But for some of us, it’s become the baseline, all-day every-day state of our system. Ugh!)
Once the emotional center reacts, your sympathetic nervous system then gets the message to get your body going – heart beating faster, breathing faster and more shallow, muscles tensed and ready for action – in order to prepare you to “save” yourself and loved ones from the “threat.”
This creates an internal vicious cycle: your thinking brain finally senses what’s happening in your body – omg, there’s a fast heart rate, intense breathing, tension… – and decides that this could only be due to an end-of-the-world catastrophe! Move, move, move!
So, the fact that you got out of the kitchen or break room with everyone still alive (I’m looking at you, Bob) is really a testament to your incredible ability to hold it together despite your massively overreacting nervous system. 😮💨
But here’s the thing – you don’t have to keep living with that exhausting inner world.
Time to do something about it by going straight to the source(s) – by working directly with the brain, the rest of the nervous system and the body, you can start to build greater emotional resilience, throw open your Window of Tolerance and life can feel completely transformed.
You’re not just floating through the workday anymore—you’re laser-focused, smashing those deadlines ⚡️, and basking in the glow of job satisfaction 😎 like never before. Awkward office encounters are a thing of the past – now you can wear that “Good Vibes Only” t-shirt unironically!
No more frazzled mom moments—just consistent, calm responses that create the nurturing environment your kids deserve. You’ll feel more confident as a mom, and those pesky feelings of guilt and shame will start to fade away.
Suddenly, those bedtime stories, game nights and family dinners are the highlight of your day – building bonds that are stronger than that coffee you may not even need anymore.
Sonja’s transformation – from overwhelmed and reactive to confident and present
Sonja’s been raising two kids while working as a healthcare provider, seeing individual clients every day. She often felt overwhelmed and reactive, snapping at her kids and feeling frazzled at work. She thought she had tried everything – nothing worked – and assumed it was just who she was, all she could do was try to “control” it, whatever that meant.
But after using techniques to improve her brain and overall nervous system regulation – and widen her Window of Tolerance – Sonja noticed a HUGE change. 💫 She became more calm and present with her kids, handling their needs with patience and understanding.
At work, Sonja found she could focus better, meet deadlines more easily, and even started loving her job ❤️. She finally felt a sense of confidence and peace that she had never experienced at any other time in her life.
So…how do you get some of that magic for yourself? ✨ Everyone I work with is different, but the following ideas were part of Sonja’s new routines.
Here are three specific strategies you can try to get you well on your way to a calmer, more responsive and adaptive nervous system – and begin to sail through conflicts at work and at home with ease. 💃🏽
Flexible Nervous System Strategy 1: Improve Heart-rate Variability (HRV) Coherence
First, if you’ve learned about increasing HRV, know that increasing HRV coherence is different – and much more powerful!
I promise, it’s not “just another breathing technique.” There’s soooo much science behind this – and over 300 peer-reviewed studies backing it up ⚛️ – so stick with me.
HRV is the variation in time between each heartbeat – you want more variability. The more your heart rate varies, the more flexible and adaptable it is 💗 – ready for whatever you need it to do.
On the other hand, the Coherence of your HRV refers to the harmony of interactions between the heart and the brain (and therefore the rest of the nervous system) and is measured by observing the heart-rhythm pattern. (smooth and consistent vs. erratic and irregular)
So why is this important?
One of the major ways that your baseline emotional state – what you’re feeling when you first walk into the kitchen in the morning (before a trigger) – is set is through messages from the heart to the brain.
So, here’s where you can take control 💪🏽 by talking to your brain in a language it’s already designed to understand – Yay!
You can intentionally change the quality of the pattern of your heart-rhythm. And that changes the message the brain is getting – significantly influencing your emotional state and making you less reactive.
When you are in a Coherent state, when the pattern of your heart-rhythm is smooth, you are alert and calm at the same time – and you’re able to maintain this calm, balanced, yet alert and energized state in challenging situations.
➡️ Note: this is a distinctly different state than Relaxation – which is low-energy, intentionally disengaging and resting the body and mind – very necessary but not what you need when creating a presentation 🧑🏽💻 or wrangling kids into the bath 🛁.
Having a higher AND more coherent HRV is associated with a more resilient and adaptable nervous system. Improving my HRV coherence was a game-changer for my BIG feelings – it felt like pure *Magic* (even though I knew all the research behind it!)
🎉 Bonus: Not only does this simple strategy reset your nervous system, but helps everyone around you…Each time your heart beats, it puts out an electromagnetic field that radiates outside your body 💗- think of it like your “vibe” (yep, that’s not just “woo” anymore, totally proven. Thanks science!). So, get in a coherent state before you snuggle your cranky kid or go into a meeting with a grumpy boss and see what happens!
If you’re a little skeptical, you’re not alone.
Many clients initially balk at this strategy. It just seems too simple to be true…
But remember, this technique goes waaayy beyond just breathing.
Even clients who have done tons of breathing techniques and meditation over the years are *shocked* when they’re hooked up to a monitor and watch their HRV coherence on the screen – going from erratic to smooth right before their eyes!
But they don’t have to take the word of me, science or the screen – when they get curious they notice what’s happening right there in their body – a gentle warmth or a loosening or soothing sensation around their heart.
So, in just a few minutes a day, you can also significantly improve your HRV coherence. Not only does this practice help you feel more calm and centered, but it also supports better emotion regulation, making it easier to handle stress and react more calmly to life’s challenges. So, get curious and give it a try—you’ll be surprised at how much of a difference it can make!
🎁 Side bonus: Increasing HRV coherence is not only related to improved emotional resilience but also with significantly better health outcomes, even with chronic illnesses like diabetes, GI conditions and heart disease.
Flexible Nervous System Strategy 2: Get “Nature Brain”
Spending time in nature can have a restful and restorative impact on your brain and nervous system, which in turn widens your Window of Tolerance for better emotion regulation.
Studies show that when we’re in nature or even just viewing nature, measures of stress in our body are reduced significantly (muscle tension, pulse, hormone levels, etc) and we see an increase in the amount of Alpha frequency brain waves (the dominant frequency of our brain waves when we are in a relaxed state).
Here are just a few of the infinite number of possibilities for getting a Nature Brain:
🌿 Forest bathing: A practice that has been proven by research and promoted by the Japanese government for years, Forest bathing involves taking slow, mindful walks in the forest, focusing on your senses. Effortless attention on the sights, sounds, and smells of the forest have been shown to help lower cortisol levels, reduce heart rate, depression and hostility and increase HRV and sleep (omg, yes please! 🙋♀️), and enhance overall well-being and vitality. Just 20 minutes of forest bathing can significantly calm your mind and body.
🌿 Walking barefoot in the grass: Get curious about how the grass and dirt feel on your feet – what sensations do you notice? Use this grounding practice to help your body feel more stable and secure. Research suggests that grounding can improve sleep, reduce pain, and decrease stress. When you walk barefoot, you may notice an immediate sense of calm and connection to the earth, helping to reset your nervous system and balance your emotions.
🌿 Daily walks in your neighborhood or park: Even if you don’t have access to a forest, walking among trees and greenery can still provide significant benefits. Make it a habit to spend even 10 minutes walking outside each day, and you’ll likely find yourself feeling more centered and less stressed. ☺️
🌿 Looking out the window, having indoor plants or even gazing at a picture of nature. If getting outside isn’t always possible, studies have found that simply viewing scenes of nature can lower blood pressure and reduce stress hormones. Set up your workspace near a window with a view of trees or gardens, or keep a plant 🪴 or a few nature photos on your desk. These small visual connections to nature still increase your Alpha waves and will help soothe your mind and improve your emotional regulation.
By incorporating just one of these simple practices into your daily routine, you can harness the calming power of nature to help regulate your emotions throughout the day.
Flexible Nervous System Strategy 3: Yoga Nidra or “Yogic Sleep”
Let’s dive into the world of Yoga Nidra, a powerful resting meditation practice – usually done lying down with blankets and pillows, Yay! 🎉
➡️ Note: If it isn’t comfortable to lie down, you can still enjoy this blissful practice. You’ll just want to find a way to have your body entirely supported in any position that feels good.
During a Yoga Nidra session, you typically follow the instructions of a teacher or audio recording, rotating through bringing your attention to different areas of your body.
One of the key impacts of Yoga Nidra is its effect on self-awareness. By being curious and guiding your attention through various parts of your body, Yoga Nidra helps you develop a deeper sense of connection with yourself.
A common mistake I notice when clients are starting out with Yoga Nidra is that they tend to visualize the body part (like picturing it from above) rather than feel the sensations in that part of the body, from inside. This is a very important distinction. In order for the practice to impact the nervous system (which is our goal), you’ll need to direct your attention to the physical sensations.
This increased self-awareness is crucial for emotion regulation because it gives you (and your nervous system) the tools to identify and manage your emotions more effectively.
➡️ Another important Note: Yoga Nidra is NOT progressive muscle relaxation (PMR). Even though PMR can be very useful in other situations, in Yoga Nidra your body is *still* and you are doing nothing physically active – not tensing but also not *intentionally* trying to relax your muscles. Just observe and be curious about what happens.
The goal of Yoga Nidra is to stay aware and conscious, even while in a deep state of relaxation. However, if you do fall asleep 😴 during the practice, don’t stress it – it’s likely because you really needed it!
Scientific research has shown that Yoga Nidra has both direct and indirect effects on the brain and nervous system, which contribute to better emotion regulation, including:
🧠 increased activity in brain regions associated with relaxation
🧠 decreased activity in regions associated with stress and anxiety.
🧠 activation of the parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes a state of calmness and reduces the fight-or-flight response.
By practicing Yoga Nidra regularly and staying curious about the sensations in your body, you can train your brain and nervous system to respond more calmly and effectively to emotional challenges in the moment. The heightened self-awareness cultivated through this practice allows you to recognize when you’re experiencing difficult emotions and empowers you to respond with greater clarity and compassion.
Ready to get off the wild rollercoaster ride
You’re ready to stop losing your cool and getting overwhelmed by the tiniest setbacks.
You’re ready to leave behind the emotional chaos that doesn’t just mess with your work life – making it tough to concentrate and hit deadlines- but also spills over into your home life – leading to inconsistent parenting and loads of mom guilt.
Remember…
These struggles don’t define you—they’re just a result of chronic stress and unresolved trauma shrinking your Window of Tolerance.
The good news?
The solution to what seems like a complex problem is right inside of you.
With a more flexible nervous system – one that can move and easily shift between…
🌟 problem-solving the best way to get a hand unstuck from a peanut butter jar (without losing any peanut butter, of course)
🌟 creating the best damn presentation your team has seen this quarter
🌟 relaxing on the couch
…you’ll feel more confident and at ease in any situation.
You can get off the rollercoaster by building emotional resilience through techniques like HRV coherence training, soaking in the benefits of nature, and practicing Yoga Nidra (aaaahhh….).
Picture yourself cruising through the day with newfound calm and focus, enjoying smoother interactions at work and at home. 💃🏽
Take Sonja’s story as inspiration—after embracing these techniques, she found a new sense of peace and confidence both as a mother and in her career.
Her story shows that it’s totally possible to widen your Window of Tolerance and transform your life. 💫
So, why not get Curious and give these techniques a shot?
Start small, be patient with yourself, and remember that you’re on the path to a calmer, more joyful life.
➡️ Ready to get off the rollercoaster – for good?
Discover if your nervous system holds the key to better emotion regulation – that finally lasts – by getting the only Nervous System Self-Screener FREE.
🎁 Download this FREE screener to learn whether your current nervous system state is the driving force behind your emotional rollercoaster – and guide you toward a life where calm, joy, and confidence flow naturally from within.
Start your journey toward lasting transformation today—you deserve to thrive and live fully. 💫
You’ve got this! 💪🏽
Whatever else you choose to do today…
Stay Curious! ✨
Naomi Iguchi, PhD, LCP, BCN, RYT
